Do you ever, when you’ve got something big looming on the horizon, try to distract yourself by finding other things on which to concentrate? It’s a favourite tactic of mine, and one at which I’ve had a little help lately.
See, this Friday (as in the 27th of June, as in three days from now) I will be taking the final, comprehensive exam for my masters degree. On a purely intellectual level, it really isn’t that big a deal. Three essays in four hours? No problem. I’ve written simillar tests before (the advantage of having been an English major) and have been studying not just hard, but smart: organized, methodical. Slow and steady wins the race, and I’ve been shoring up my personal angle of repose ever since the beginning of May.
But then last week arrived and things just went wonky. Fathers’ Day and my birthday — both of which were lovely — a very close friend in need of a shoulder, and a job interview all conspired to add up to some added stress and a messed-up sleep schedule.
I had thought I’d recover fairly quickly, but I haven’t been able to get back onto a good sleep schedule and yesterday was fuzzy-brained all day long. Maybe all the nerves and energy I’d been saving for comps went into the job interview. Maybe this is my brain’s attempt at keeping me from cramming these last few days. Maybe it’ll all be fine by Friday morning.
No matter how many people tell me that I’ll do fine — and I do appreciate each and every one of them, because it’s awfully nice to hear — there’s a part of me that is prepared to fail. That probably sounds deafeatist, but the truth is that I’ve failed before. Life doesn’t turn out the way we plan: graduate school’s a disaster because we’re too young and naive to know what we’re getting into; a place we love isn’t destined to be the place in which we live; jobs that seem perfect simply aren’t.
So I have a plan ready in the event I need to take comps again next semester. I know what class I’d take and I’ve got a rough study outline drawn up. Just in case. Because I’d rather have that plan ready and not needed, than needed and not in place.
Anyway, this is turning into a rather gloomy post, which wasn’t my intent. It’s also rather misleading because I know I know this stuff. Everything I need to do well on comps is already tucked away in my head, so what actually needs to happen is to get rid of the feeling that I might be missing something by not reading just one more article (wafer-thin, of course). Any reading I do at this point is more to keep my mind sharp than to learn something new.
(cross-posted at my other blog)
[...] (cross-posted at my other blog) [...]
I have faith in you. It sounds like you’re well prepared and have good study habits, and it’s a given that you’re highly intelligent (as proved by your appreciation of MBDD). I like the fact you have a back-up plan. Sensible and mature, not defeatist at all. I doubt you’ll have to use your plan, but at least you have one in place.
My sister (who also has her masters in library science) had many of the same thoughts when approaching her final exams, but she sailed through them. She had studied carefully (like you) and found them to be less than she had expected. She had over-studied for them, but she said she’d rather be over than under.
Don’t let test jitters steal your confidence. You’re going to do fine. We should already buy the champagne.
Happy late birthday! I’m sorry I missed it. I could have humiliated — uh — honored you on my blog.
Yup, that’s exactly why I neglected to mention the bday.
Thanks for the vote of confidence! Much appreciated.
And is there any chance I know your sister?
You might have met her if you attend the library conferences. She’s the head librarian for both the Muldrow and Sallisaw libraries. She’s had her masters for a while now so I don’t think you would have met her at OU.
Hmm. . . I know exactly how you feel. I feel a bit more pressured to do well, or rather, pass, this time. I have faith I will succeed, but the daunting thought that I won’t still lingers in the back of my head. We’re gonna have to give each other some pep talks on Thursday!
Good luck on the test. I have a while to go before I go for that, but I hope I do as well as you will do! You seem extremely smart so I’m sure you will pass with flying colors!
it probably won’t help but ‘total attachment to effort/studying non attachment to results’ might be something to focus on now.
aside from that–good luck good luck good luck *hugs hugs hugs* for good energy!
All the very, very best. I hope your mind clears, your energy flows, and creativity shines.
MJ: Yes, pep talks will definitely be on the menu for Thursday!
L: Welcome, and thank you!
Ovidia: I think perhaps the “disaster planning” is something like non-attachment; a way of distancing, at least. In any case, hugs to you as well for the centering reminder!
lilalia: Many thanks!
It sounds like you’re doing everything right. I’m sure you’ll do great!
Wise words. I happened to chance upon your amazing post whilst searching for the term “loosing my mind” in good ol’ Google. Yes, sometimes I really think I am
Thank you for aiding in my frequent direction reaffirmation. You’ve helped me regain some focus and clarity about life and minds deviations. (Yes it is almost really that deep!) The mind is a powerful & beautiful thing, that allows its user to determine their own life’s paths in which great deeds can be accomplished. If you maintain focus and clarity, which by the way you seem to be doing just fine (yeah like you needed me to point out the bleeding obvious) you will achieve your dreams. I’m certain your exam was a guaranteed winner.
Peace and prosperity to you and your family.